[December 25, 2003 - from a journal entry - "...I want everything to be flipped upside-down. But what is "everything", so where is "upside-down"? What, then, is the difference? Essentially, the difference is all I long for. It's afternoon now, evening will come, night will pass, then morning... Oh morning! The sounding of a new day with hope and promise. Then it's afternoon again. I will be here again mocking myself being mocked by time..."]
Change happens both abruptly and gradually. In the case of the former, it's easy to remember and see the consequences, but not so in the case of the latter. An event, a move, a new beginning, an end - these are things that have immediate and noticeable effects. It's more difficult to see the effects of such things as the accumulation of savings, months of rehearsal, having experience, the development of trust, the strengthening of convictions. Each incremental change is so small. Patience and foresight (or ignorant persistence) are necessary to find the motivation to continue with these changes since they proffer no immediate reward.
After high school, at the end of each calendar year I wanted to take inventory of the events from the year prior. I would include such things as awards or distinctions received, jobs I started, grades I got, places I've sung, people I've sung with. I wanted to keep track of all of the positive things that I had accomplished, and all of the things that I wanted to accomplish in the future. These lists gave me something to feel proud of.
My efforts were misguided. You can't gauge improvement and growth through lists of accomplishments. Through my journals, diaries, spontaneous scribblings on paper, and blog posts, I was fortunate. They were successful where the inventory fell short. They've shown me what I couldn't see, what I've become - happier.