When I was a teenager, and I told my sister that I wanted to be a singer, she started looking for every talent show and event that I could sing at and audition for. She told me about the humble beginnings of a bunch of local singers and how they used every opportunity they could to sing and get exposure, and that that's what I needed to do, too. But I couldn't do it. There were just some events that I couldn't bring myself to be part of. I dropped out of pageants, singing contests; I turned down shows.
I tried. There were a lot of events and competitions that I had signed up for, but that I couldn't go through with. For years, I questioned my drive. After all, if I really wanted something, why couldn't I do "what it would take" to get there? I began to believe that I just didn't want it enough.
But maybe it wasn't that at all. I just wanted it a certain way, and I wouldn't compromise that. For me to become a singer, there was a certain route I wanted to take, and no other. Yet, given the low probability of "making it" the way that I hoped to make it, I persist. I find it difficult to let go of dreams of making a living working autonomously on a project that is of personal interest to me.