Tuesday, 20 September 2011

Full Circle

At the start of this year, I was asked when it was in my life that I felt most confidently.  At the time, I said **.  It was the last time that I felt like all of my efforts were rewarded and recognized, and the last time I felt fully appreciated for it.  I didn't worry; I didn't fear.  I knew what I wanted, and I went for it.  I didn't get bogged down by the things that didn't matter.

The next question this person posed to me was: how detached do you feel from that confident **-year-old?  ...

It was this question that got me thinking, and that had me bothered ever since.  My answer at the time was very, very detached.   It was so easy for me to spit out when it was that I last felt most confidently, but absolutely startling when I realized how unlike that confident girl I was so many years ago I am today.  This person told me that most people spend the rest of their lives trying to reclaim that confidence (unconsciously).  I had begun to think of that confidence as naive youth, and to believe that age only revealed our humanly limitations.  I began to fear the possibility that such confidence was impossible to regain, and fear that I'd spend the rest of my life on a wild goose chase.

//

Somewhere back there in the mess that was life, I began to make goals that I didn't meet. I began to see myself as constantly "derailed".  But from what?   What was it that was so important that all other life paths were secondary? that all other accomplishments were distractions?  The answer was nothing.  

The future is filled with opportunities shaped by our past. There is no objectively ideal outcome. Neither are we "derailing" or "missing opportunities".  This vocabulary is loaded with regret, but for what?  For what never came to be.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  and who cares?  It's this uncertainty that makes life worth living.  I'm dying to learn how the story ends but not as a prediction.  Rather, in due course. 

Stories can be empty or epic depending on how they are told.  Similarly can they be tragic or triumphant.  It's a mindset.

There will always be at least one reason why you shouldn't do something.  Ask yourself if the one reason you do have is worth it.

This life is a short one: make it memorable.
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