Tuesday, 27 March 2012

Did you know...

...that I had always planned to write a book about my life?  By "always", I mean since I was about 8. And as far as timelines go, it was not something I anticipated working on any time soon. It was something I planned to do after I turned 60.. ya know.. after I'd experienced a lot of things and lived.

I also always imagined the twilight of my working life as an elementary school teacher, influencing impressionable children who would grow up to be the leaders of tomorrow.  I imagined my senior years working on an autobiography, capturing the curiosity that had been my life.   And finally I imagined everything that came beforehand to be a wild adventure...

Seems on track.

Tuesday, 20 March 2012

Themes

Okay, so a great many things went "wrong" in the last two years, and in an attempt to find meaning in the disarray, I abandoned all of my "best practices" and "goals" in hopes of finding new ones. I realize how erratic that game plan was. It was more like a misguided twist on Einstein's idea that "insanity" is "doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results".

I know I didn't have to throw it all away and start fresh. I know I didn't even need to throw pieces out. But the whole plan felt like a network of ideas strongly interwoven over time that when one (or two or three or whatever) didn't fit, I felt like I needed to just create a new quilt.

In any event, amidst the changes, I adopted the plan of saying "yes" to "everything". Well, I'm exhausted, and I think it's time that I take a break, and just start saying "no".

There are some things that just don't benefit me in any way. I know what I need to do. It's time to stop feeling like "it's now or never".

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Year Two

I reread posts from two years ago.  It was aweful - I was miserable.

I don't know what's worse:

That I ever felt that way or that I've documented it publicly.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Why Fefe Went For A Ride

I just need to get out.  The words ring in my ears.  They're all too familiar.  I was so desperate to mute the thoughts that ran through my mind that I did anything to keep myself busy.  So,  if it wasn't work or school, I called any friend I could think of and ask if they could hang out for a while because I just needed to get out.

It got me thinking: when did it stop?  When did I stop needing to just get out?  When did I start to feel so comfortable staying put and not moving? not muting my thoughts? Why? How? How did it stop?  How did I become so comfortable? so confident? ... so happy?  But I see that the more important question is why did it ever start?  

A parable for you:

Imagine enjoying a beautiful, warm, sunny day walking on the boardwalk, and running into a friend on rollerblades.  He grabs your hand, and you begin to run alongside him to keep up.

Maybe in the future, I could plan in advance to have rollerblades.  And I know that running at that speed is a good thing after practice and when I'm ready.  BUT! right now, it's killing me.  And if I didn't see it before, I sure as hell see now that I was never going to survive keeping pace with speeding rollerbladers while on foot.  When you're not ready, you're just doing damage.

Maybe I'll move at that speed one day, but I'm surely not going to do it because someone tugged me along when I was neither ready nor equipped.
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