I just need to get out. The words ring in my ears. They're all too familiar. I was so desperate to mute the thoughts that ran through my mind that I did anything to keep myself busy. So, if it wasn't work or school, I called any friend I could think of and ask if they could hang out for a while because I just needed to get out.
It got me thinking: when did it stop? When did I stop needing to just get out? When did I start to feel so comfortable staying put and not moving? not muting my thoughts? Why? How? How did it stop? How did I become so comfortable? so confident? ... so happy? But I see that the more important question is why did it ever start?
A parable for you:
Imagine enjoying a beautiful, warm, sunny day walking on the boardwalk, and running into a friend on rollerblades. He grabs your hand, and you begin to run alongside him to keep up.
Maybe in the future, I could plan in advance to have rollerblades. And I know that running at that speed is a good thing after practice and when I'm ready. BUT! right now, it's killing me. And if I didn't see it before, I sure as hell see now that I was never going to survive keeping pace with speeding rollerbladers while on foot. When you're not ready, you're just doing damage.
Maybe I'll move at that speed one day, but I'm surely not going to do it because someone tugged me along when I was neither ready nor equipped.