Tuesday, 13 December 2016

Fairy-tale endings

Unlike the clarity with which we'd started our relationship, there was never a clear end to it.  The relationship lingered for years in limbo, where we were cycling through being apart, trying to be friends, trying to see other people, and trying to work things out.

For my incredible memory, it is odd that I don't remember all the details.  I do remember 'the final straw'.  It was early in 2011.  It facilitated the events that led me to meet my business partner for the restaurant in Baltimore, and eventually wind up miles away and busy for an extended period of time.

I also distinctly remember the last time we saw each other face to face.  It was after I'd returned from Baltimore.  I remember feeling like everything I was so afraid of--settling down, commitment, building a family--was no longer scary, and that I was finally ready.  It was one-sided, however.  He wasn't ready this time.  He reminded me of what he'd told me when first we'd broken up: that he needed five years to get over how I'd hurt him.

In that moment, I decided that if this was the man that I wanted to build a life with, then I was going to fulfill his request.  I wasn't going to push this time to get my way.  I was going to appreciate this man for who he was, and do as he requested.

So, I waited for that five year mark.  

Unbeknownst to me, he was counting from a date two years earlier than mine.  Such are the perils of poor communication.  Only in May of this year did I learn that five years was up for him the year before, while I was patiently waiting for another year.

I've had some months to digest this.  He wanted to but didn't reach out to me.  Why?  I can no longer sit back and hope that he'll understand that time apart doesn't heal our wounds.  We do.  We do with effort, time, patience and care.  Without any of those things, we have nothing, and nothing is all we have now.  There was a time when our lives were so intertwined that he was part of me.  No longer.

So much for fairy-tale endings.  All I ask is that if you know what you want, go for it without apology, without restraint, without indifference.  
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